soul searching

Well after a break - and posting humour toons on my blog i decided it was time that i got back to my writing self. Creating toons was probably not my cup of tea - but probably writing comes more easily to me. Mostly because I can let my mind wander with ease and pen down the thoughts as soon as they occur - easy like 1-2-3. So here it goes........

How do you tell yourself, “no, don’t do it”. Is it even possible to just tell yourself no? How do you explain to another person that there impression of the situation isn’t what your feeling? Can they see something that you don’t?

Last night I goofed up. Actually totally f###@ up. I listened to the negative voices inside. Instead of thinking about things in a positive way, trying to say some affirmations or an affirmative prayer, I let the negative feelings rule my thoughts. How is it that you try so hard to keep on the sunny-side of life, but always end up going back to the dark clouds. This is the way that you give up control in everything. Then life and the people in your life take you on a roller coaster ride. Instead of just using the tools at hand, it’s like you hand yourself over to low self-esteem, depression and negativity. And then you end up here.

I guess I need to look for a change in life as my wife feels that it is time to walk away. I can understand that as life hasn’t been easy for the last several months. After the ups and downs of various anti-depressants and the crazy that some meds bring about - my irrational behaviors and her inability to let a little light shine through - I guess we are in troubled times now. It’s hard, though. This is the first time that I have really felt what a great relationship feels like.

When it all started I was very determined to not do all of the things that I had done in the past. I WAS SIMPLY NOT going to make the same mistakes. I’m sure you can see where all of this is going….you get confident, comfortable and lazy. The layers peel back and I started taking it all for granted. Then suddenly this realization dawns upon you – and you end up there. It sucks, the realization that you have once again done all those things you swore you would never do. Look to that person for all of the things that you can’t give yourself. It’s like this false sense of self.

Now the question is, how do I live with myself? How many times do you mess up and move forward? How much of your own self-destruction can you take? God, when is enough just ENOUGH?

Sphere: Related Content